Comebacks

Okay, so you lost a few bucks last month.  Well, more than a few bucks.  And your dignity.  And your confidence.  And your sense of self-worth.  And … well, let’s not let this get out of hand.

But there are always comebacks in life.

Brett Favre, after all, retired from football completely, then managed a painful comeback, culminating in a tryout for a team he took footsteps from the Super Bowl.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn came back from the Gulag to win the Nobel Prize for literature, a stretch in Vermont, and a dingy studio apartment in Moscow.

The Yankees are coming back from a dismal first half to another AL East title.  (Of course.)

So what are you thinking?  Naturally, you’ll come back.

Right.

Anyway, be here at 8 PM, Wednesday, Aug. 6 to see where you rank against the great comebacks of history.  Like Richard Nixon.

Best,

The House

The Mid-Summer Classic

The House is pleased to announce the results of the balloting for the 2008 First Friday Poker All-Star Game, which will take place at 8 pm Wednesday, July 9, here at The House That Ruth and Her Husband Ernest Built.

Elected by unanimous vote of the fans (Oskar) is … The House.  (Thank you, thank you vurry, vurry much.)  The player part of the voting ran a little bit oddly, since each of you schlubs voted for yourself.  Doesn’t anybody watch Survivor, for god’s sake?

Well, you’re all on the roster for the Mid-Summer Classic.  Along with, of course, Derek Jeter.  He seems to get into these things even if he hasn’t had a clutch hit since the Truman Administration.

The House sincerely hopes that you all will be taking the Game seriously, since it will decide who gets home field advantage in October.  Oh.  That’s right.  That’s already been decided.

Well, come on out anyway.

Best,

The House

Give Him Enough Grope …

It is The House’s sad duty to report to you that State Sen. James Marzilli, Democrat of Arlington-Lexington-Burlington-Billerica-and-let’s-not-forget-Woburn, was arrested today on charges of groping for chips at an afternoon poker game in Lowell. Authorities said the veteran legislator pulled a straight flush in a game of Man-or-Mouse and refused to cede the pot to “Diamond Ben” Richardson, who showed three fours.

“Waddya mean three of a kind beats a straight flush? What kind of idiot rule is that?” Marzilli was reported to have shouted, a scant second before lunging at the chip pile.

The arrest comes less than a month after police dropped charges against Sen. Marzilli stemming from an incident in which he allegedly groped after the maple syrup at a Boy Scout pancake breakfast.

Marzilli’s attorney, Rusty Hardin, told The Arlington Advocate that he will pursue the sort of “truth defense” more commonly employed in libel cases. “Waddya mean three of a kind beats a straight flush?” Mr. Hardin explained. “What kind of idiot rule is that?”

Let us convene in solemn session this Friday, June 6 at 8 PM to consider whether to file an amicus curiae brief on Sen. Marzilli’s behalf.

Best,

The House

Ben, Richardson & Co.

The House wishes to address some of the questions that have arisen since the takeover of Ben, Richardson & Co. by J.S. Dacey & Co. in the weekend following the March Game.

How did this come about?  Ben, Richardson is a highly respected firm with a long history in the Game.  It has been a consistent moneymaker for many years and was the source of such innovations as mini-pretzel-based table snacks, the three-tens-beats-three-nines headbanger, the 7-4 low-beats-a 7-5 low heartbreaker, etc.  However, sudden reverses in the turbulent 7/27 market caused a run on Ben, Richardson.  The firm’s excuse that it “left its wallet in its other pants” failed to quell the turmoil and placed its future at risk.

When did a takeover become necessary?  About 10:00, when Ben, Richardson issued a statement:  “Crap.  I’ve got 26.”  At this point, the eponymous J.S. Dacey communicated directly with Ben, Richardson management to offer support:  “Gee, Ben, you should have taken my advice and kept on raising.”   

What does this mean for Ben, Richardson?  J.S. Dacey has assured Ben, Richardson that it will operate as an independent subsidiary (but watch those passes in Anaconda).  Some Ben, Richardson assets will be transferred to J.S. Dacey for the purpose of smooth consolidation.  These include a couple of cars, a 401-K and a Big Bertha driver.

How did J.S. Dacey wind up in control of Ben, Richardson for just thirteen dollars?  J.S. Dacey invoked one of those obscure rules to which it alone is privy (like when it turns out that the queen of diamonds from the hockey deck is worth 8 ¾ points in 7/27 instead of the ½ point you thought it was).  Go figure.

How will this affect the Game?  Not at all.  The House is committed to providing discontinuous, deep and liquid markets.  The next trading session (trading your Zero King refrigerator for some brightly colored chips) will take place at 8 PM, Friday, April 4.

Best,

The House 

 

Inhuman Luck Hormone

It’s been a tough month for Bob “Rocket” Halliday.  No sooner had he finished counting his winnings from the last Game (about 10:20 Monday morning) than he was served with a subpoena from the Waxman Committee.  Despite his staunch and repeated denials of the charge, he was hauled down to DC to testify about his alleged use of Inhuman Luck Hormone.

“Brother Dacey and I are good friends and we work out together a lot,” Brother Halliday told the stone-faced committee.  ”In October of 2004, he gave me some cream that he said would help my game.  He told me it was Ben Gay.

“Brother Marshall gave me some Minoxidil in June, 2006, but I used that on my moustache.

“The only time I’ve ever taken a shot in my butt was the rabies vaccine we all had to take when Oskar had the go-round with the raccoon.  Oh, and Kim Vandiver drilled me in the left cheek when I tried to stretch out a double at Cape Cod one year.”

Chairman Waxman, however, remained unconvinced:  ”Son, I’d like to believe you.  But you’re not exactly helping your case when you DON’T EVEN LOOK AT YOUR DAMN CARDS HALF THE TIME!!”

The Kangaroo Court to review the charges against the Rocket will convene this Friday, March 7 at 8 PM here at the Hillside Star Chamber.  

Best,

The House  

 

Groundhog Day Weekend

With the big Groundhog Day Weekend looming, The House has decided to postpone the February Game a week.  The House has learned from long experience that it’s fruitless to try to organize a gaming get-together in the face of the regular Groundhog Day Weekend festivities.  

• Brother Fields, for example, left for Punxsutawney yesterday (look for him waving behind the reporters on the live coverage Saturday morning).  
• Brother Halliday will, no doubt, be tied up planning his annual Punxsutawney Phil look-alike contest – check the Vegas line for the odds on Dennis Kucinich.  
• Brother Hardy will be in Denver for the Groundhog Grillin’ Gustatory Gala.  
• Brother Marshall will be spending the weekend in the observatory;  it’s the one time of the year when, according to legend, three additional stars appear low in the eastern sky, transforming Bootes into Ericius Major (the Great Groundhog).  It’s like looking for the Green Flash, but without the Margaritas.  
• Brother Hickey will be at some sort of UU vigil against the exploitation of groundhogs.  
• Brother Richardson will be playing the Groundhog Day Weekend Golf Tourney (two muilligans every two holes).  
• Brother Campbell has been in federal court for weeks pressing a suit to crack the closed-shop rules that currently prevent non-union groundhogs from serving as Punxsutawney Phil.  
• Brother Dacey will be sittin’ on the back porch with his .30-06, waitin’, just waitin’ for that little beggar to poke his nose out of the hole.  

And so on and so on.

So, The House looks forward to seeing you all at 8 PM, Feb. 8 here at the Eastern Massachusetts Center for Long-Term Meteorological Prognostication.

Best,

The House           

 

New Year, New Hopes

With the dawning of the New Year comes a sense of New Hopes.  

The House wishes to reinforce this fragile spirit of absurd confidence right up until Friday night at 8:00 pm, when it promises to be crushed by the remorseless steamroller of a night at cards.  

Happy New Year!

The House  

Undefeated!

Much like the Patriots so far, The House went UNDEFEATED at the November meeting.  Didn’t lose A SINGLE HAND!  However, the same unblemished record was achieved by Brother Halliday and Brother Dacey, the only two other players who couldn’t get a date for Nov. 2.  Yes, for only the second or third time in the hallowed history of the First Friday Poker Game, we were unable to achieve a quorum.  We did have a jolly time making pitiless fun of all the rest of you (and Dacey made some very funny remarks about Halliday when Bob went to the loo).

In light of this chastening experience, and in light of suggestions from a couple of Brethren that they might not be able to make a game on Pearl Harbor Day, The House offers the following psychographic questionnaire.  Please complete TO THE END, with justification for each choice (not to exceed 50 words per answer) and reply by this afternoon.

- Boxers or briefs?

- Rodriguez or Lowell?

- Chevy or Ford?

- Less filling or tastes great?

- Vinaigrette or Thousand Island?

- Beatles or Stones?

- 3-4 or 4-3?

- Mary Ann or Ginger?

- Darwin or Huxley?

- Domingo or Pavarotti?

- Six or half-dozen?

- Bermuda rig or gaff rig?

- Marx or Engels?

- Jeff Hanson or Steve Hanson or Jack Hanson?

- Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush?

- Terrell Owens or Randy Moss?

- Hillary or Barack?

- Rolfing or Reiki?

- Tom Magliozzi or Ray Magliozzi?

- Mac or PC?

- Man or Mouse?

- Cruel or unusual?

- Heckle or Jeckle?

- Dark meat or white meat?

- Hayes or Tilden?

- Ruth or Gehrig?

- Dogs or cats?

- Apollo or Dionysius?

- Western saddle or English saddle?

- Serif or sans-serif?

- Frank Rich or Buddy Rich?

- All-cotton or wrinkle-free?

- H. Ross Perot or Dennis Kucinich?

- Rugby union or rugby league?

- Fuel injectors or carburetors?

- Martin or Lewis?

- Bordeaux or Burgundy?

- Musharraf or Bhutto?

- Army or Navy?

- Fission or fusion?

- Globe or Herald?

- Metric or English?

- Double espresso or single espresso?

- Doonesbury or Family Circus?

- Losing on Dec. 7 or losing on Dec. 14?

See you one day or the other.

Best,

The House

Double Header?

Now that the baseball season is over, a man’s fancy turns to poker … and football.  The monthly meeting of our Coveting Group is scheduled for next Friday, Nov. 2 at 8:00 PM.  The House cordially invites you to attend.

That joyous event is followed a couple days later by what promises to be the football game of the season, the Patriots at the Colts.  The House mean, Geez!  Between Brady and Manning, how many touchdowns are we going to see?  How many of those will Randy Moss grab?  Or Welker?  How many times will Bruschi whack Peyton to the floor?  Will Richard Seymour be playing?  Is this a pre-play of the AFC championship game?  Etc.

So The House is pleased to invite you all to share this momentous game, perhaps the biggest obstacle remaining between the Pats and an undefeated season.  It’s a 4:15 kickoff.  Bring chips and beer and other potables.  

Too bad there’s nothing to watch this Sunday night, huh?

Best,

The House      

The Greatest Yankee of Them All

You have, perhaps, been wondering whatever happened to that distinguished jurist, Alberto Gonzales, after he retired from his career in government.  Well, look no further than the Bronx, fellas.  No. 63 on your scorecard, but No. 1 in the annals of modern American jurisprudence.  

Yes, Mr. Gonzales launched rather quickly into his second career as a utility infielder for the Bombers.  “I hadda take some afternoons off in August and let somebody else go stonewall the Senate,” Mr. Gonzales explained recently.  ”It hasn’t allowed me to spend quite as much quality time with my family as I had originally anticipated, but at least it means I can pick up a baseball bat without some smart-aleck asking if I’m heading off to take a deposition in Guantanamo.”  To stay below the radar of the whining press, Mr. Gonzales cleverly altered his last name to “Gonzalez.”  ”Just one of the many bits of tradecraft I picked up from some of my pals in Langley,” he explained.  

Already Mr. Gonzalez’s feats on the diamond are outpacing his stellar career at the bar.  He’s hitting a scorching .071 and was breathing down the neck of AL RBI leader Alex Rodriguez, just 155 off Mr. April’s pace by season’s end.  

“Geez, he’s got a beautiful swing,” opined a rival manager.  “It’s just like the one he used in taking a meat axe to the Constitution.” 

But the real secret is the crucial role Mr. Gonzalez played behind the scenes in shaping this Team of Destiny.  Yes, in his role as Counsel to The Boss, Gonzalez was the Bronx Braniac behind the Carl Pavano acquisition.  Mr. Gonzalez avers modestly that he does “not recall being party to any discussions involving Mr. Pavano.”  

So let’s all gather to celebrate Mr. Gonzalez’s brilliant careers with the horsehockey and the horsehide this Friday, Oct. 5 at 8:00 PM.  The Bombers-Tribe tilt gets underway at 5:00, so it may be drawing to a close by the time we’re due to start the poker, but The House believes there’s an undercard at 8:30.

See you then,

The House