The Downside of Winning
On the off-chance that one of you Brethren may be under consideration for a Cabinet post in the Obama Administration (Secretary of Pissing Away Time and Money, perchance? Wagerer General?), The House wishes to provide you with important advice regarding the tax implications of participation in the Game in advance of your Senate hearings.
The Obama nominees seem to keep running aground on the shoals of the IRS, so The House consulted several leading experts to provide advice: H&R Blockhead; accountants Cheaters & Lybrand; the law firm Rumble, Wow & Flutter; and, of course, Hajib, The House’s trusted manservant, batman and tax strategist.
The consensus is: Brothers Dacey, Richardson, Drake, Campbell, Howe, Marshall and Halliday are gonna be in deep yogurt explaining to a bunch of humorless Senators how they “forgot” to declare their taxable winnings, which Cheaters & Lybrand estimates at more than $750,000. The Geithner defense, which may be summed up as “Oops!”, seems no longer to be operative.
The rest of us, meanwhile, appear to be in the clear for those Cabinet slots, since we haven’t won what qualifies under the labyrinthine IRS regulations as “money.” The House has dibs on Secretary of Whoopee.
But despair not, ye Beleaguered Brethren! There’s always the ambassadorship to some obscure country. Like Monaco. Or Nevada.
Let us all join together to try to remove the stain of poker winnings from the above-referenced Brethren so they may pursue their careers in public service. It’s nothing less than your patriotic duty to assemble at 8:00 PM Friday, Feb. 6, here at the Daschle Center for Financial Responsibility and Goofy Glasses.
Best,
The House
February 4, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Sadly, I will be otherwise occupied in my role as ambassador to the Redneck Coast of Florida, explaining why the country has taken a socialist bent…
February 4, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Mark, the pearls of wisdom and polity that consistently issue from your pen are the sole reason I wrote you in on my ballot. See you then with my diminishing 101K in hand.
February 4, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Brother Howe’s dismay at socialism no doubt extends to the Thainian underwriting of expensive commodes and last-minute bonuses. Capitalism is great but only if you order now, while supplies are (very) limited. See you then.
February 5, 2009 at 1:05 am
I have decided to withdraw my consideration from a cabinet position (Secretary of the Ulterior), because, I failed to disclose the $300,000 worth of car service the House provided to me from 1982 through 2008 (And here’s hoping for a ride or two in ‘09, Dad!). Also, I may or may not have won $2.30 about three years ago.
February 5, 2009 at 10:03 am
I will try to be there, but you all need to understand the hardships I face. In anticipation of the Brandeis bailout (Barney Frank’s sister works downstairs), my salary was cut to $500k, and of course they took away my car and driver. (It’s a chancey strategy – can you see the headlines – “Pork for Brandeis – Have they no shame?”). I’ll see if my car willl start after so long sitting idle and if I can remember how to drive it. And … if my slender wallet runs dry, can I get chips for art?
February 5, 2009 at 10:12 am
Walter,
Good Lord! The House had no idea how ghastly it is for you. The House will send Hajib for you in the Bentley. And, yes, stuff a Rauschenberg or two in your back pocket, just in case.
February 5, 2009 at 11:10 am
Sorry, but I’ll be in DC this weekend, lobbying hard to try to get Walter’s 5 million $ bonus restored.
February 6, 2009 at 10:21 am
I nominate Oskar to replace the Speaker; perhaps he can help her stimulous package. See you tonite.
March 3, 2009 at 12:33 pm
ANother winner, Mark. Wish I could be there. What with the downturn on my 401k, I could really use….oh, never mind. Besrt, Jiohn D