Slight change in plans

To All -

The ever-gracious Brother Howe has offered his comfortable condo as the venue for the May Game.  This will require certain changes in the customary plan for the Game.

- No sweating over the cards or bets, sinceBrother Howe’s domicile, unlike the Casino, is fully air-conditioned.  If you sweat, it’s a tell, and Dacey will be all over you like white on rice.

- No poke in the groin by a cheerful pooch.  The House recognizes that many of you enjoy Oskar’s greeting.  But it’s up to you to supply the poke.  The Howe home is certified hound-free.

- No nagging dog hair to brush off your clothes (vide supra).

- A fair game, since Chez Howe does not feature the array of windows and mirrors that provide The House with full view of your hands.  “Why,” you might inquire, “doesn’t The House do better?”  A question for all eternity.

The location is different:  225 Bishops Forest Drive, Waltham.  But the time is the same:  8:00 PM, Friday, May 7.  Following are the direx.  Bring beer, other potables, and comestibles.

Enjoy.  And thanks to Brother Howe.

Best

The House

DIRECTIONS TO 235 BISHOPS FOREST DRIVE                               ANNE AND BRADLEE HOWE

FROM THE WEST AND SOUTH                                                             235 BISHOPS FOREST DRIVE

WALTHAM,  MA 02452

781-788-9797

MASS PIKE TO I-95  ( RT 128)

NORTH ON I-95 (128) TO EXIT  28A

OFF EXIT RAMP, GO RIGHT INBOUND

PASS THRU EARLY LIGHT ON TRAPELO ROAD
PROCEED 1.3 MILES TO LEXINGTON STREET

GO RIGHT AT LIGHTS  ( MOBIL AND SHELL ON CORNERS)

*GO   ¾   MILE DOWN LEXINGTON STREET TO STAPLES/CVS ON  RIGHT
TAKE LEFT AT LIGHTS THERE  INTO BISHOPS FOREST
GO UP DRIVE, OVER 2 SPEED BUMPS, TO TOP OF HILL

TURN RIGHT INTO “WOODBURY VILLAGE”

GO 120 YARDS TO STOP SIGN

OUR CONDO,   #235,  IS IMMEDIATELY ON YOUR RIGHT,  OPPOSITE THE SWIMMING POOL.

GO THRU STOP SIGN AND PARK NEAR THE TENNIS COURTS.

FROM THE NORTH

SOUTH ON  I 95  (RT128)

EXIT 28, TRAPELO ROAD

GO INBOUND, TAKING A LEFT AT TOP OF EXIT RAMP

PROCEED ABOUT 1.5 MILES, THROUGH EARLY TRAFFIC LIGHT

CONTINUE TO SECOND SET OF LIGHTS AT LEXINGTON STREET( MOBIL AND SHELL STATIONS ON CORNERS)

FOLLOW DIRECTIONS FROM    *    IN ABOVE DIRECTIONS ,   “FROM THE WEST AND SOUTH

Mark Medzger Apologizes to Poker Nation

Mark Medzger, CEO of the Mark Metzger Poker Player, Inc.®  empire, publicly apologized today for the recent incidents of sudden and unexpected acceleration in the Mark Metzger game.

Testifying before the Waxman Committee in Congress, Medzger explained that the incidents of acceleration were “entirely unanticipated.”  The results were two months in a row of “el stompo,” as the Financial Times characterized it.

“I have assigned a team of top poker touts to examine the reasons for this sudden acceleration,” Mr. Medzger said.  “We believe that the principal cause of this acceleration has been the aggressive nuzzling by Oskar (the Wonder Dog) of players at critical times in the game and we have taken steps to address this issue,” Mr. Medzger said at the hearing.  Sources said that Oskar will get a 4 ½-pound T-bone steak at 8:05 PM to distract the little devil.

Other sources, however, indicated that software aberrations had prevented Mark Metzger Poker Player from such previously standard behaviors as drawing to an inside straight, hanging in against “Diamond” Ben Richardson when it looks like he has two fours, holding the face-card kicker with a pair in draw, or following the sage advice of John Dacey.  Oh, and then there’s getting the cards.

“As our history has demonstrated, Mark Metzger Poker Player has a consistent track record of avoiding these acceleration incidents,” Mr. Medzger said.  “But, hey, screw you.  We ain’t doin’ no stinkin’ recalls.  See you Friday, March 5 at 8:00 PM.”

Best,

The House

DISCLAIMER:  This information is provided as a public service.  The House has no contractual or other relationship with Mark Metzger Poker Player, Inc. ® or Oskar the Wonder Dog.

Blue

In honor of  Avatar, the highest-grossing movie of all time, The House requests that you paint yourself blue for the Game  this Friday night (8:00 PM, February 5).  Aqua may qualify, but Hajib, The House’s manservant and batman, will be checking at the door.

BTW, anybody who didn’t attend (or bring a limerick – you know who you are) to the 10^th anniversary game is required to bring a limerick to the February get-together.

The blue paint isn’t as important as the damn limerick, but The House will leave that to Hajib to sort out.

Best,

The House

DARPA offers $40,000 to finder of four aces

To All -

DARPA, the research funding arm of the Defense Department, is offering $40,000 to anyone who can find four aces in his hand this Friday night.  You could also cop the prize by locating the ten red balloons DARPA is putting up throughout North America, but with a likelihood of 0.0018% for the aces, you’re probably in better shape to nail the bullets than the balloons.

I am not making this up about the DARPA balloon challenge (although I may be bending the facts about the Aces.)  http://news.cnet.com/8301-1035_3-10406752-94.html

The House alerts you that it has sent its minions, Oskar the Wonder Dog, and Hajib, the House’s trusted manservant and batman, on search for the balloons.  Forty large is, let’s face it, forty large.  They have reached, respectively, Oncogongaluzia, Indiana, and Ft. Preposterous, Oklahoma.  Still searching for the ten red bobs, even though they don’t go up until Saturday.  But, golly, it’s fun to watch the hunt from the Web cams on their respective heads.  The House will keep you posted on their respective success.

See you Friday at 8:00 PM here at the Center for Idiotic Research.

Best,

The House

Nobel Committee Awards House $14,000 in Winnings

The House is pleased to announce that it has been awarded $14,000 in poker winnings by the Nobel Poker Committee.  In announcing this year’s prize, Bjπrn Svkorjnjensson, chairman of the Nobel Poker Committee, explained that the prize was being awarded for “the anticipated future winnings of The House over the course of the next 178 years.  And for The House’s extraordinary efforts to diminish and demean the bonds of amity and good feeling between people.

“The House represents a beacon of cupidity that inspires the entire world to greater avarice and ill will.”

A Nobel insider also noted that, “Let’s face it, The House gets skunked for a few bucks every now and again when it comes time to tally up the dough.  This just makes the sumbitch whole.  You got any idea what mini-pretzels cost?”

“I am surprised and deeply humbled by this award,” said The House in a statement presented by Hajib, The House’s trusted manservant and batman.  “Now, who didn’t ante?  The pot’s light.”

The House invites you to gather and celebrate this award at 8:00 PM, Friday, Nov. 6 at the Storting to Get A Little Puzzled Center.

Confession

The House wishes to come entirely clean on why there was not a First Friday Poker Game on the First Friday of July.  The House recognizes that its trusted spokesman and batman, Hajib, announced that The House was taking a few days to walk the Bike Path and think about what to write in this blog.

However, The House, in truth, traveled South of the Border.  To Connecticut.  And The House strayed from the path of righteousness and sinned in its heart.

Yes, The House went to Mohegan Sun for a weekend of craps, roulette and “comped” cheeseburgers.  Lookout!

The House feels that its heart is with $1,000-a-spin thrills at the Big Wheel.  But The House will try to fall back in love with nickel-dime-quarter No-Peek  this Wednesday, July 8 at 8 PM.

Meanwhile, this twerp Sanford …

Best,

The House

My Card Is Quick

What a group!  Shakespeare doesn’t seem to work at all.  Last month’s  Game didn’t even get a quorum (although it was an enjoyable evening of conversation).  So here, per the suggestion of one of the Brethren, is some faux Mickey Spillane.  Hope it gets a better turnout (and isn’t that a comment).

It was noonish – time for my first belt of bourbon – when the frail strolled into my office.  A face you could never rip out of your memory, with a set of gams that you’d never want to.  The Lucky almost fell out of my mouth as she sashayed onto the couch and crossed those pins.

“So, dollface, where’s the game?” she said, toying with the fraying hem of her décolletage.

I instinctively reached for my heater.

“I dunno, Sweetcheeks.  What’s it to you?”

“Plenty,” she cooed.  “The Big Man wants to know where he can get in on the action.  And so do I … if you know what I mean.”

She left that last one hanging in the air.  I was getting ready to make my move right then, but that’s when Muldoon busted in the door, his .45 up and ready.

Four slugs later – two of lead in Muldoon’s gut, and two of bourbon in mine – I had things back under control.  Muldoon wasn’t going anywhere and neither was the moll, anytime soon.

I kicked my feet up on the desk, my Smith & Wesson staring her gunhole-to-eyeball.  She re-crossed her legs.  I reached for my heater again.

“So what’s this about the game,”  I probed.

“Well I heard that it was an entertaining way to spend a few hours engaging in games of chance without risking enormous sums of money. The Big Man figured he could pull down eight or ten dollars a month.  Indoor work, no heavy lifting.”

“Could be,” I opined.  “But are you willing to abide by the rule that three of a kind beats a straight flush in a three-card game?”

The dame bounced off the couch, jerking herself to full attention.  “What, are you nuts?” she growled. “The Big Man won’t play that dopey sort of game.  And neither, frankly, will I.

“I don’t really like rules, Big Boy.  Change the rules,” she purred with a sly smile, “and … maybe I’ll be back.”

Stepping crisply over the sprawled body of Muldoon, she stalked out of my life, her stiletto heels clicking down the hall.  I heard the elevator door slide open.  “Floor, miss?”  Then it slammed shut.

So, with or without the moll, we meet Friday, June  5 at 8 PM, here at the Spillane Center for Really Cheesy Prose.

Best,

The House

Fortune and Men’s Eyes

Assiduous Shakespeare scholars have in recent years discovered troves of new works by the Bard that shed new light on his life, his avocations, and his interests.  The latest issue of the literary quarterly “Avon Calling” included the following newly-found work, which was, apparently, an early draft of a sonnet later revised for publication.  The House provides it here as a public service, in case your subscription lapsed.

When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes
I alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf Heaven with my chipless cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich and plush
Featured like him with cards possessed,
Desiring this man’s straight and that man’s flush,
With what I most enjoy contented least –
Yet in these thoughts myself almost chuckling
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
As I see your very conf’dence buckling,
From sullen earth, sings hymns at Heaven’s gate.

For my sweet bluff, succeeding, such wealth brings
That I scorn to change my twos for kings.

Friday, May 1, 8:00 PM here at the Northwest Suburban Boston Center for the Study of Elizabethan Drama, Poetry, and Gaming.

Best,

The House

The Boys of Autumn

As Opening Day approaches, I’m sure everyone is wondering the same thing The House is:  how the Yanks gonna make out this year?

How’s the Captain gonna do?  Has he still got it?  Does he even know where his left side is?

Are the alphabet boys – CC and AJ – gonna live up to expectations?

Is this the year Joba blooms as a starter (without the bugs)?

Can the Brettster really fill the center-field shoes of Dimagg, Mantle, Murcer, Bernie … the Melkmeister …

Has Mo got another year or two in him?

Can Jorge make the throw to second?

And, of course, most importantly: HOW DO WE GET RID OF A-ROD?  This has gotta be the worst example of a human being who has ever played in the Bronx (and The House acknowledges that’s going a ways).  What are we doing with a guy like this wearing pinstripes?  Compare the image of Graig Nettles diving into the stands coming up with the ball and without a tooth or two with the image of A-Rod staring motionless at a foul-area popup as he struggles to decide if he will be trying to score a post-game date with Madonna or with Eliot Spitzer’s madam.

He can’t hit Kate Moss’s weight in the postseason.

If you look up “bum” in Wikipedia,,it redirects to A-Rod.

He is the living definition of “empty statistics.”

The House, as you may gather, is not enamored of A-Rod.  The House, frankly, wishes a scalpel had gone astray in his hip surgery.  About windpipe-level.

But, alas, such was not to be.

So let us gather, Yankee fans, this Friday, April 3 at 8:00 PM to consider the  prospects of our beloved Bombers.  Those few of you who are fans of other teams may choose to discuss other matters.

Best,

The House

The Dog

The House has been getting a little concerned about Oskar lately. The House dunno, but he seems to be acting a little strangely for a dog.

F’rinstance the way he insisted on shuffling the decks (very carefully, The House might add) before the last Game. And the penetrating look (vide infra) that he kept giving Brother Vandiver every time Kim picked up his cards. (As you may or may not know, Brother Vandiver CLEANED UP BIG-TIME last month.)

And the radio transmissions from the planet Zarkon that he receives on his electronic collar.  And the large deposit of Snausages that mysteriously appeared in his 401-k last month.  And the way he levitates and rotates three times before lying down instead of, you know, just circling the spot. And the way he licks himself in the most unattractive places. Oh, never mind – that’s just dog.

But perhaps when we gather again at 8 PM Friday, March 6, you Brethren can lend your perspective and insight to this conundrum that The House is wrestling with.  Maybe The House is being oversensitive.   After all, Oskar’s just a pooch.   Lying right now placidly on the floor at The House’s feet.

Sit up, boy.  I said SIT UP.  Don’t give me that stare, you miserable cur.  Why I oughtta whale the tar out[Transmission aborted]